The Wedding
by The Jolly Gnu
Summary: Why was the epilogue of DH not set at Ron and Hermione's wedding? Because it was a complete fiasco...
1. Mortal Peril

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter- Hang on a minute. Surely this is pointless. If I did own Harry Potter, and I _was_ JK Rowling, I would have put this in Deathly Hallows. Er- or not...

So, here is the first chapter of a very weird telling of the wedding Hermione and Ron tried very hard to forget... PLEASE REVIEW!!!!

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Harry clambered into his new dress robes, grinning at Ginny as she strolled out of the bedroom. He smiled inwardly, too, thinking about the past. After all these years, his two greatest friends were about to finalise their relationship. How weird would it be to call Hermione Mrs Weasley? Ginny walked up behind him, kissing him on the back of his neck. "Got your best man speech?" she asked between kisses. 

"Yup." Harry replied, holding up a large wad of paper. "Well, shall we get going?"

"No way!" Ginny squealed. "I'm not ready! I've got my make up to put on, and my dress to get ready, and- and- everything!"

"All right, but make it quick." said Harry with a sigh. "I told Ron we'd be there early."

"Okay, okay." Ginny told her boyfriend. "I'll be as quick as I can."

Ninety minutes later, Harry was immersed in his armchair, half asleep. He looked at the grandfather clock. God, was that the time?!? "GINNY!!" He bellowed. "WE- ARE- GOING- TO- BE- LATE!!!"If there was one thing there wasn't a spell for, it WOULD be the application of make up.

"Nonsense!" called Ginny. "It's only- GOOD LORD! IS THAT THE TIME?!?!?!?!?!?"

"YES!" yelled back Harry. "GET A MOVE ON!!!"

"ALL RIGHT!" screamed Ginny. "STOP YELLING AND MAKING IT OUT LIKE IT'S MY FAULT!!"

"IT IS YOUR-" began Harry, but just then, Ginny apparated right next to him, looking almost as terrifying as her mother. "Never mind." he mumbled feebly.

Meanwhile, at a sleepy church somewhere hidden from Muggles inside a teapot, or some such ridiculous plot device, two men stood in the doorway of the church, looking impatiently out. "Where IS he?" demanded one very impatient red- headed groom. He looked at the other man.

"Well, don't look at me!" said Neville, scandalised.

"Alright, but if he doesn't show up, can you stand in as best man?" replied Ron.

"ME?" said Neville, for a moment looking more unsure of himself than he had since his fourth year. "I don't even have a speech!"

"Aw, it's easy!" exclaimed Ron. "Just mention how Hermione made the right choice, don't insult Hermione's mother, and whatever you do, don't mention how much I fancied Eloise Midgeon in our first year."

Neville was saved having to answer this by a woman with straggly blonde hair and a serene expression meandering up to them. "Hello, Ronald. Hello, Neville." Luna Lovegood said breezily.

"Hi, Luna." they chorused. After this, Neville seemed to partially lose the power of speech, so Ron took up the conversation. "Thought you were off exploring the world, Luna."

"I thought that too, but a Bounding Cogwrith ate all of my supplies... either that, or a Grizzly Bear... but who believes in Grizzly Bears nowadays? Anyway, see you boys around; I promised Hermione I'd check her dress for Wrackspurts..." She wandered off. Ron grinned, then turned to see Neville staring off in the direction Luna had just disappeared in. Ron groaned.

"Look, Neville, mate. Just tell her how you feel about her. Luna's... Luna. It's pretty much impossible to embarrass yourself around her."

Neville sighed. "Oh, I'll find a way to embarrass myself. I always do." Ron clapped him on the back.

"Hey! Come on, mate! You're like, a big success story now! How many lived have your experimental plants saved at St. Mungo's? And WHERE IS HARRY?!?"

Neville shrugged. "Uh-oh. Everyone else is beginning to arrive. Hey- look Viktor Krum!"

Ron scowled. "I didn't invite him."

Neville chuckled. "Yeah, but you're not the one who slept with him, are you?" Ron wheeled around, face like thunder. Neville realised his mistake. "Oops."

"Hermione slept with KRUM?!?"

"I should not have said that. That was a bad mistake. I'll just go and hide, now, shall I?" Neville ran and hid behind Hagrid.

Ron stormed up to the room where Hermione was getting changed. He pulled open the door, and yelled "YOU SLEPT WITH- oops."

"RON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hermione screamed. You're not meant to see me before the wedding!!"

And several miles away, on a certain clock face, a hand marked 'Ron' spun round to 'Mortal Peril'...

Harry and Ginny finally arrived at the church, where the encountered Neville, Ron and George, hiding behind a gravestone. "Hermione's jinxing everyone in range." George informed them with a smile on his face.

"Why?" Harry found the need to ask.

"Long story." Neville told them with a grin.

"The service is about to start!" Hissed Ginny. "I'll go and calm Hermione down, you lot get ready. Ron, Harry, greet people. Be happy, cheerful, like your fiancée isn't about to brain you."

Hermione had finally managed to calm herself. "This wedding is a disaster," she moaned to Ginny, who was sitting on the font, swinging her legs.

"Cheer up." smiled Luna. "According to the laws of averages, nothing else can go wrong." At that moment, Neville hurried up to them, looking worried.

"Has anyone seen the vicar?" he said, sweat shining on his face.

Hermione screamed at the top of her lungs.

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Next Time On The Wedding: 

Is the vicar dead?

Where are the caterers?

Will Neville confess his love, and will it be to the right person?

If I had a theme tune it would play at this point. But I don't. Damnation.


	2. Explosions, chaos, and Krum

**Disclaimer: **I've written enough disclaimers on my fanfics for people to realise that I'm nobody famous. Wish I was. I could do with the cash.

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Harry and George ran up to the Vicarage, and rang the doorbell. There was no reply. Harry pointed dramatically at something long and slithery in the grass. "Egad! A snake! This must be the work of some surviving Death Eaters, who have killed the vicar in some despicable plot to resurrect Lord Voldemort! I shall come up with a cunning plan in which something will go wrong, and some of my friends will be tragically killed!!"

"Harry," George started heavily. "That's an overly large worm. Seriously, you need to get that imagination under control." They opened the door ("Alohamora.") and stepped inside.

"Hello?" Harry called. "Anyone there?"

"Harry!" George called from the next room. Harry rushed in to find George bent over a prone figure.

"I told you so!" Exclaimed Harry. "Dead as a horrifically dead doornail. We must track down his killers and destroy them! This murder will not go unavenged!"

"Harry," George sighed. "He's asleep. Calm down."

"But how do you KNOW he's asleep?" Harry exclaimed.

"One: He's still breathing. Two: He's snoring. Harry, just let it go, and help me wake him up."

Within five minutes, the vicar was awake, and being rushed out of the door. They reached the church at exactly the right time. Ron hurried up to meet them. "We've got the vicar." Harry announced proudly.

"Brilliant!" Ron exclaimed. "But why is he in his pyjamas?"

Hastily summoning a cloak out of thin air and wrapping it around the shivering vicar, George hurried them all into the church.

The sleepy vicar began to conduct the service. Hermione looked beautiful in her Wrackspurt-free dress, accompanied by her father. Lavender Brown, Mrs Granger, Mrs Weasley, Fleur and Neville all burst into tears. "I always cry at weddings!" He sniffed into Ginny's shoulder.

The service, miraculously, passed without a hitch... almost.

"If anyone knows any just cause why these two should not be joined together in holy matrimony, will they state it now."

"I HAVE A REASON!!!" Everyone turned to the door to see a woman rush in, striking a dramatic pose. "BECAUSE HE'S ALREADY MARRIED- TO ME!!!!"

Hermione turned, thunderstruck to Ron. "Who the hell is this woman, Ron?"

"I have no idea." Ron said slowly. "I've never seen her before in my life."

The woman looked around at the crowd. "Ooops. Wrong church." She beamed at them. "Just carry on, everyone. Sorry." she waved at them, then disappeared.

Everyone looked at each other in confusion. The vicar gave a dry cough. "Erm... shall we move on?"

Finally, the service was nearly over. All there was left to do was to put the rings on the fingers of the happy couple, and then they would kiss. Not that they hadn't done enough kissing in their time already. Sometimes, it was even with each other. Ron turned to Harry, their most trusted friend, who had never let them down, and who Ron would trust with his life. The vicar peered short-sightedly at Harry. "Erm- you have the rings?" He asked gently.

"Damn it all! I knew there was something I'd forgotten!" Ron leapt at him in fury, but fortunately for Harry, Ginny spoke up.

"Hey! George has some rings in his pocket! We can use them for now!"

"No, Gin- don't!" warned George, but too late- the rings were already on their fingers. "Those are my new trick rings- They have strong bad luck charms on them!"

"Bad luck char-" began Ron, but the lectern had already fallen on his head, and Hermione had slipped, causing her shoe to fly off and smash a Stained-Glass Window.

"Aha! I knew I put them somewhere!" Proclaimed Harry, holding up the real rings. Hermione threw the other shoe at him. Luna rested her head on Neville's shoulder, causing him to jump.

"Ah, sweet love." she sighed, watching Ron and Hermione brain Harry with the lectern.

As they trooped outside Hermione threw the bouquet into the air. With a meaningful glance at Harry, Ginny reached out for it, but at the last second, Luna dived into the way, snatching it from the air. "LUNA!!" Screamed Ginny, outraged.

"There was a Nargle in it!" apologised Luna. Ginny snatched it from Luna.

"There are no such things!" She hissed. A Nargle popped out of the bouquet and bit Ginny on the nose.

Then it was time to have the wedding photos taken. Arthur Weasley had come up with the not-so-brilliant idea of bewitching a Muggle camera, rather than using a proper magical one. He managed to take four pictures before the thing blew up in his face. Coughing and covered in ash, he emerged to stare at the fiery wreck. "That shouldn't have happened." he mused. "Oh, well, I'm sure I can repair this, all I need is-"

"NO!" Ron yelled. "No, come on dad, it's all right, really. We'll use another camera."

"Oh. OK, then." Mr Weasley sighed.

"Dad, is your hair on fire?" George asked. Mr Weasley raised a hand to his head, and felt warmth. Nobody had previously noticed this because of the naturally fiery colour of Arthur's head, which he had recently replenished, but Mr Weasley's hair was indeed on fire.

"Augementi!" Yelled Harry, causing a jet of water to shoot out of his wand, knocking Mr Weasley off his feet. The fire went out, which was the main thing.

Meanwhile, Neville sidled up to the figure carrying the bouquet. He gulped. This was his big chance to tell Luna how he felt about her. He cleared his throat. "Er... look. You may not often spare me a second glance, but I just thought you should know... I love you. I've been trying half my life to impress you, and it seems the best thing is... to tell you outright. I love you." Viktor Krum lowered the bouquet which Luna had thrust into his hands.

"Oh, Neville. I didn't know you cared." He sighed in his throaty voice. Neville started backing away, looking terrified...

All the photos were taken, and so everyone went to the place where the reception was taking place, which happened to be the Three Broomsticks in Hogsmeade.

They all apparated and went inside. They looked around, confused. The pub appeared to be deserted. Rosmerta hurried out from the back room. "Thank goodness!" She gushed. "The Caterers just contacted me! They want to know why you aren't in Cardiff!"

"CARDIFF?!?" Hermione exploded. "Why the HELL would we be in Cardiff???"

Rosmerta shrugged. "Apparently that's where the best man told them to go."

Everybody turned to glare at Harry. "I told Ginny to organise it." He said.

Everybody turned to glare at Ginny. "I asked Neville to organise it." She said.

Everybody turned to glare at Neville. "Ernie Macmillan said he'd organise it." He said.

Everybody turned to glare at Ernie. "Draco Malfoy said he'd do it." He shrugged.

Ron turned on Draco. "This is too much!" he stormed. "We go to the decency of inviting you to this wedding, and you do this!"

"Don't look at me," retorted Draco. "I've got lackeys. I delegated it to Goyle and Parkinson."

In Cardiff, Gregory Goyle and Pansy Parkinson smiled at each other over a mountain of food, which they were both tucking into.

"I'll do the cooking!" Proclaimed Neville. Harry and Ron exchanged nervous looks...

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Next Time on The Wedding:

Will everyone die of food poisoning?

How much will Ron regret making Harry his best man?

Who will Neville next confess his love to in another case of mistaken identity?

Find out... next time!


	3. Dinner, speeches and Neville's sexuality

Having totally forgotten about this story, I appear to have no excuse for the fact that it has taken me five months to upload it. It isn't even that good.

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Neville hummed happily to himself as he cooked several different dishes simultaneously by magic. The strange concoctions bubbled away merrily. He prepared a salad, using his awesome knowledge of plants and their uses. He had to be extra- careful when handling these combinations of plants, he knew; to let them cook for longer than the right time would be disastrous. Ginny had already served the main course; the salad and the dessert were all that were left. When he tentatively suggested that the House-Elves up at Hogwarts help him, Hermione had very firmly told him that her wedding was going badly enough, without subjecting those poor, innocent elves to slavery. 'What about subjecting poor ME to slavery?' thought Neville grumpily; he hadn't had any help apart from Ginny, who was now sitting with the rest of her overlarge family. But wait- what was this? Luna was actually coming into the kitchen- to help HIM. Maybe he was in with a chance of confessing his undying love to her...

Luna ambled in, looking as though she had wandered in by accident. Neville smiled shyly at her over his cooking pots. She wondered what had got into him today. 'Wait.' She thought to her self. 'Maybe- MAYBE- this isn't Neville at all, but a duplicate!' But then she shook her head inwardly. That was silly, and she didn't think silly things often. Then she clicked her fingers. Neville looked up.

"Hmmm?" Neville inquired, wondering why Luna was clicking away to herself.

Luna beamed at him, making his legs turn to jelly. "Oh, nothing." She had, in fact, clicked her fingers because she had just realised what was wrong. Neville was in love! But who with? Could it be- her?

Neville cast around for something to say. Luna had been sitting at a table with Ernie, hadn't she? "So- er- how's Ernie?" He asked, struggling to keep his voice clear in the presence of such a beautiful woman.

Luna felt suddenly depressed. Of course. It wasn't her at all. How could she have ever thought that? Even in here, Neville had to struggle to keep his voice steady when talking about his true love- Ernie. "Fine, I should imagine." She said coolly. "I'll just go into this handy cupboard." She slipped inside, and once in, burst into tears, collecting her tears in a bucket, in case they came in useful later. She decided that she ought to calm down. Neville was one of her best friends. She should help him find love, no matter what. She apparated out of the cupboard and next to Ernie. She bent down and whispered in his ear...

Meanwhile, Harry, Ron and Hermione were all eating their dinner. "Surprisingly good for something Neville made." Ron commented.

"Don't be so mean." Hermione snapped. "Neville's abilities are many and varied."

Harry wolf-whistled. "Hermione's sticking up for Neville, Ron." He chuckled. "You should be jealous."

Hermione and Ron simultaneously turned to Harry. "SHUT UP!" they said in unison.

"Do not worry about Longbottom." Viktor Krum croaked. "He is the homosexual."

"Neville's GAY?" yelled Harry. Several people turned around to look at him. A silence fell. Ron chuckled nervously.

"Err... why don't you do your speech now, Harry?"

Neville prepared himself for what he was about to do, prepared himself to confess his true feelings. He pulled open the cupboard door- and Ernie shot out, flinging himself into Neville's arms. "Luna told me about your feelings for me!" He spouted. "I'm sorry, but it can never be."

Neville stared in horror at Ernie, who was smiling at him sympathetically...

The kitchen door opened. Everyone looked at the round face of Neville poking out of the steamy kitchen. "Err... Luna, could you come here a moment, please?"

Harry stood up on the stage, grinning round at the assembled guests. "Hello, everyone!" he yelled cheerfully. "Are you all having a wonderful time?" A distantly related Weasley had an allergic reaction and threw up in a plant pot. "Well." Harry continued cheerfully. "I suppose the question we're all asking is: has Hermione made the right choice?" Ron started to have a very bad feeling about this. "After all, what about Ron's undying love for Eloise Midgeon?" Ron started to bang his head against the table. Harry, oblivious to this, continued to recite his speech to the horrified crowd...

Luna entered the kitchen. "Where's Ernie?" she enquired.

"In the cupboard." Neville replied crossly.

"Why? Are things going badly between you?"

"Luna..." Neville forced himself to calm down. "WHY have you told everyone that I'm gay?"

"Because you said you loved Ernie!"

"For Dumbledore's sake, Luna! It's not Ernie I'm in love with!"

"Well then, who is it?" queried Luna.

"You!" Luna's eyes rolled back inside her head, and she collapsed in the canapés.

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Next Time: Will Luna and Neville find love?

Will Harry survive the response to the speech?

Will Ron and Hermione escape to the 'peace' of their honeymoon?

Will I ever find time to write the last chapter of: THE WEDDING...


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